How to ride the Lille Metro: A tutorial

In case you ever find yourself in Lille, France, let me show you how to ride the metro.

The first thing you need to do is find a Metro stop.  They are marked with funky red M's.

Before you get on, check the map to make sure you know where you want to go.

Vous etes ici means, "You are here, you lost American."

Now go down the escalator.  If the stairs aren't moving, it isn't necessarily broken.  Sometimes you have to activate it by stepping on it.  Don't jump when it starts moving or else you'll give yourself away as a dumb American.  Not that I have any experience with that or anything.

 Once inside the metro station, buy a metro pass.  Be sure to put it in a cute coin holder you got in Belgium so that everyone thinks you are an experienced commuter.

Just tap your metro pass on the big lighted circle.  Bon voyage means "Keep moving American, people are behind you."
 Each metro stop is decorated in a theme.  Port de Lille's theme is "Don't you wish you were on a boat instead of an underground metro?"

Make sure you choose the correct side.  The direction is the last metro stop.
 Check the map to make sure the stop you want is in the same direction as the subway car you are jumping on.

 Now just wait for the metro to arrive, they come every few minutes.

 Here's one now.

 Once on the metro, if you are the only person in the car.  You must take a selfie.  This is the FIRST time this has ever happened to me.

If other people are in the car, stare at the map on the ceiling so that you can make sure you get off at the right stop.  This also helps to keep you from staring at the other people who are most likely staring at you.
 Once you get off the metro, check the map to know where you want to go once you surface.

 Follow the signs that say sortie which means, "Keep moving American, people are behind you." that will take you the street you want to be on.
 Again, don't freak out if the escalator isn't moving, it will once you step on it.

 You made it!  You are back on the surface ready to resume feeling lost and confused.  Congratulations!