Why Pregnancies Should Come With Contracts
My last baby was breech. He laid sideways, with his head on one side and his bottom on the other. My doctor told me that the reason was because my uterus was “loose and compliant”. I think this was just his nice way of saying, “After having 5 babies in 7 years your uterus is stretched out like a deflated balloon, never to be a normal shape again!”
Breech. What a funny word. It makes me think of the term “breach of contract”. Like my baby had signed a contract and then didn’t hold up his end of the bargain.
As the baby, you hereby agree to lie in your mother’s womb head down and feet up. Any other position will be considered BREECH, making you breach of this contract. Your mother then reserves the right to remind you of this for as long as she deems necessary.
I couldn’t help but wonder, “Will he always be this way?”
I had images of him sleeping in his bed sideways with his head and feet hanging over the edges of the bed, while his pillow lays just a few feet away untouched.
Or when we get his school pictures back, “Son, all we can see is your profile. Why did you look at the camera sideways?”
As he grows older it could get worse, “Mom, can I borrow the car?”
“Sure son, just be sure to park the car in the driveway straight this time, last time you ruined the lawn on one side and my tomato plants on the other.”
My friend suggested that as a reminder, I make him a pineapple upside down cake each year for his birthday.
“Mom why do you make me the same birthday cake year after year?”
“You tell me ‘breech boy!’”
As if that’s not enough, my baby was overdue as well. Whenever a woman gets pregnant, the doctor calculates an estimated due date, give or take two weeks. Only 4 percent of all women actually deliver on this date, but to the mother that is THE day the baby should come.
Women plan on that date for 9 months, and having to wait even one day longer, brings disappointment and depression. It’s not just the pregnant woman either, friends and family all hold her to that due date. How many times has an overdue mother heard, “Haven’t you had that baby yet?”
One day I read our library’s overdue policy. There is a fine for each day the item is not returned past the date it was due. The fine grows as the days add up. I started to think, “That’s not a bad idea. What if I had my own overdue policy?”
As the baby, you hereby agree to come on the estimated due date. Failure to arrive on said date, will make you OVERDUE. For each day that you are overdue, you will be fined. Fine will be considered paid in full as determined by the mother.
“Mom, can I have a quarter? I want to get a gumball.”
“I don’t think so son, your overdue fine isn’t paid up yet.”
“Mom, I need some money for the school field trip.”
“You should have thought of that before you decided to come 12 days late.”
I can see it taking a very long time for the fine to be paid.
“Mom, I need a tuxedo for the prom.”
“I’ll get you a bow tie and one shoe, but nothing more, after all you were almost 2 weeks overdue.”
I guess the fine will be considered paid in full when my son gets older and begins to have children of his own. Then I can call him up and ask, “Hasn’t your wife had that baby yet?”
After Johnny was born, he slept sideways in his crib for many months.